We Need to Talk About Cher (originally published on GuySpy, July 23 2013)

We Need To Talk About Cher

Anticipation is great, isn’t it? The act of looking forward to something is one of life’s great pleasures, even though it often leads to mild or crushing disappointment (case in point: “MDNA,” right kids?)

Sometimes, though, you wait for something for so long that you inevitably lose all interest. I’m already there with GaGa’s “ARTPOP”, the gestation of which has been teased for so long that when it does eventually appear I will barely be able to lift my head from my desk to cock a snook at the artwork. Though obviously I reserve the right to change my opinion if it turns out to be fabulous.

And then there’s Cher. She last released a proper album in 2001, the a-bit-rubbish-apart-from-Song-For-The-Lonely “Living Proof,” and I think it’s fair to say that no-one has been clamouring for a follow-up for quite some time. What on earth has she been doing in this twelve year interval? By my reckoning, she made “Burlesque,” a film so gloriously bad it makes “Coyote Ugly” look like “Schindler’s List,” and she discovered Twitter. Cher is as prolific on Twitter as Madonna is on Instagram, and it’s not necessarily a good thing for either of them. She has a nasty tendency to communicate almost exclusively in capital letters, which makes anyone look mental. Only this week she posted this gem (reproduced here exactly as published): DEAR KANYE, THANK U, 4 TRASHING THOSE LOATHSOME PARASITES WHO STEAL OUR MOST PRECIOUS GIFTS, “TIME & PRIVACY”WE CAN NEVER GET THOSE BACK!

Mental. One of the great things about famous people used to be that you were forced to imagine what their private lives were like. Now we know for certain that Cher spends most of her time hunched over a Blackberry, typing out every thought she has, while a thousand feral cats prowl her house for discarded food. Probably.

Anyhow, I digress. It appears that Cher has found some time in her insanity schedule to actually make a new record. It is out on September 24th and it is called “Closer to the Truth,” presumably because Cher is ALL about conspiracy theories these days. Seriously, the woman thinks everyone is out to get her. They’re not. So far all we’ve heard is the lead single “Woman’s World,” which manages to sound both a) rubbish and b) like the title of a weekly magazine from the seventies. Cher – for so long the mistress of reinvention – is now trapped in a dance vortex of diminishing returns. Lady GaGa has apparently vetoed the inclusion of their duet on the album (and boy was Cher pissed on Twitter about that) – which leaves us only Jake Shears and Pink collaborations as a source of hope.

It is, of course, a woman’s world these days. But by the looks of it, that woman is no longer Cher.

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