British gay men were reportedly reduced to a frothing, masturbatory mess last weekend as Ben Cohen appeared as a contestant on BBC One’s Saturday night ratings behemoth “Strictly Come Dancing.”
Former England rugby star Cohen, 34, took to the dancefloor in an unspeakably tight, low cut purple sequined shirt and thigh-clingingly sheer black trousers. When asked on his opinion of the outfit, one hitherto eloquent and responsible gay accountant could only muster an incoherent, rambling string of “GRRRRs” before touching himself inappropriately as his eyes lingered over the twinkly eyed, glistening jewel of manhood.
Onlookers in central London described how the streets of Soho suddenly emptied, prompting momentary fears that all gays had been raptured. This concern was quickly dispelled, however, by the sound of a collective “WOOF” that briefly registered on the Richter scale and set off car alarms as far away as Cromer. Facebook reported a 70% drop in profile pictures using a badly photoshopped image of Vladimir Putin in rainbow make-up, as gays across the land took temporary leave of their senses and returned to their lustful, vacuous selves.
BBC bigwigs are said to be delighted at having captured the attention of Britain’s most notoriously fickle television audience, and have reportedly drawn up contingency plans to ensure anti-bullying campaigner and happily married father of two Cohen’s continued presence on the show, should he turn out to possess absolutely no rhythm whatsoever. “Basically, he’ll wear less and less each week,” said a corporation insider. “We will not rest until the streets of Britain are filled with fevered, masturbatory gay men every Saturday night until Christmas.”
Cohen was unavailable for comment, but did offer one of his trademark, heart-melting grins that briefly outshone the sun with its dazzling, radiant beauty.