Post the second

in which Niall thinks of the children.

Facebook friends will be aware of my highly successful attempt to destroy one Jordan de Courcy during last Wednesday’s inaugural edition of Junior Apprentice. I like to think that his firing at the end of the show was a direct consequence of this well-organised and not at all bullying campaign.

Perhaps it’s a smidgeon unfair to pick on children, but these are no ordinary children, are they, viewers? Regular children – by which I mean children who don’t wear suits on a daily basis and don’t say things like “I turned over £50,000 in the last financial yaah” – don’t deserve to have the mocking spotlight of boardroom politics thrust upon them. Conversely, children who want to go on Junior Apprentice should, under no circumstances, be allowed to do so. Nothing good can come of it. Haven’t they read Lord of the Flies? And have we learned nothing from the example of erstwhile child prodigy/fraud James/Lauren Harries? He was terrifying enough badgering on about antiques on Wogan back in the eighties, but he was even more terrifying masturbating furiously (or something) in a dress on This Morning last year. Parents beware – this is the fate that awaits your child. Not a successful career in business and therefore a very comfortable early retirement for you, but a twisted existence based on questionable appearances on daytime television and very possibly their own XTube channel.

Thus far, the BBC has sensibly avoided any scenes of boardroom tears, which I’m quite pleased about. Watching boys blub isn’t particularly entertaining, but watching boys try not to blub is fucking hilarious. Every quivering jawline, trembling lower lip and swiftly reddening cheek is like a little gift from heaven (trans: television centre) for me. Yes it’s cruel, and at some point in the next six weeks we’ll all have to feign outrage at the BBC for putting them through it, but let’s not forget – these little buggers deserve everything they get. They may be just above the age of consent, but clearly not one of them has the sense they were born with. I would normally blame the parents, but more often than not kids like these are Midwich Cuckoos, born to absolutely lovely mothers and fathers who simply can’t understand how they managed to spawn Satan.

In other words, they’re fair game. Let the cull commence.

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5 thoughts on “Post the second

  1. You’ve got an avid reader of your blog here Mr Niall.
    I agree with your observations on Junior Apprentice. I should add though that Jordans colon-esque pout makes him look like he’s giving birth to his own head (to quote Edina Monsoon).
    Kylie’s new song has also made me quiver in places a cherubic 40- something pop-princess has never made me before.
    Looking forward to your next post.

    B xx

  2. I have re-read this post Niall, and I have to say I still disagree with you about children/teenagers being ‘fair game’ on a TV show. I think many will find that children trying not to cry isn’t particularly funny, whether from a mature adult point of view or as the child involved themselves. Being on the brink of tears, caused by a high pressure environment (aka. Alan Sugar, a short man if ever there was one and all that follows), is not entertaining, and not quality TV from the BBC. It’s bullying – plain and simple – and many of us know what that is like at that age.

    • Thank you for your comment. I’m not aiming to be the voice of the many – the Daily Mail has that privilege – I’m giving a personal, hopefully humorous opinion on a faintly ridiculous television programme. Sir Alan, so far, has been a fairly benign authority figure and any bullying on-screen has been between the contestants themselves – contestants who, despite their tender years, will no doubt have been in enough playground spats and seen enough reality television shows to know what they’re letting themselves in for. I still think they’re fair game for ridicule, as is anyone, (regardless of age) who willingly puts themself in the public eye.

      I laughed like a drain during Wednesday’s episode.

  3. Gosh, love a controversy. Greg has a fair point. Bullying isn’t funny. But this isn’t bullying, no-one volunteers to be bullied. This is nauseating kids and their vile parents trying to get to rung one of faux celebrity. Noel Coward asked Mrs Worthington not to put her daughter on the stage because she was probably a precocious talentless little bitch, and a chip off the old block at that.

    More controversy please Niall!

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